Day 4

So far today I haven't broken down in tears.  I am still sad, but I am better able to focus today I feel, although it could just be that all the nasty anesthesia is finally out of my body.  I also have something to focus on today.  We decided to go away for the weekend.  We were supposed to go back to the Midwest to visit family and attend a wedding, but I am not ready for that.  Physically I feel better. I am still getting some occasional stabbing pains, and my shoulders and mouth are still sore from being moved around and having a breathing tube in; but I just am not ready emotionally.  I think if I saw my family I would lose it, and if I saw his family I would not be able to act happy and like nothing is wrong.  I am also not ready to be around pregnant women or couples with their new babies.  I feel horrible feeling this way, but it is how I feel and I have to allow myself to mourn and feel sad, angry, depressed, confused...

I have stopped reading online things about miscarriages, D&C's, and how to deal with them.  While they are there to help, I don't think they are doing me any good.  I am going to let my body, heart, and brain naturally do what needs to be done.  I have stopped trying to identify which stages of grieving I am in.  There are times I have gone through all of them and then some, over the course of an hour....every hour.

I do need to stop opening mail for a while.  Two days ago, when I came home from surgery, I got all my maternity info in the mail from my insurance company.  Yesterday I received $800 worth of bills from my first prenatal tests and my Rhogham shot and blood work.  I know the day will come soon when I get a bill from my first trimester screening appointment, a day that I will never ever forget.  I am not ready to deal with that bill or even the envelope with the facility name on it.

I always knew that miscarriages happen.  I know friends and family that have had to deal with them (sometimes on multiple occasions).  I just never thought that I would have to deal with one.  Especially when everything in my life seemed to be going so well, full speed ahead.  It's not fair.  It sucks.  It is horrible.