The First Weekend After

Today we are going away for a couple days.  I definitely feel better this morning than I have on past mornings.  I think part of it is that my bleeding has finally gone down a lot. Every time I would go to the bathroom and see blood it was another constant reminder of what has happened.  And I'm not going to lie, I was really getting used to not having a period.   I am still getting these weird stabbing pains in my abdomen, apparently from my uterus going back to normal size.  I am not going to the bathroom as much either (which is a sign of the above as well probably).  My body is still in a lot of pain, probably from all the anesthesia and being moved around from surgery table back to the bed.  I also probably over did it the past two days by walking a couple miles.
Mentally, I do feel like the pain and haze are lifting.  Things are starting to get back to normal.  We went out last night and after a couple beers I felt completely buzzed.  I then started to feel guilty, after all I hadn't drank for 2 months, and had accepted the fact that other than the occasional half glass of wine in my second and third trimester, I wouldn't be drinking, drinking for a long time.  It's these little things that seem weird.   Although last night at dinner I made sure to order all raw cheeses.  I figure I am going to drink, eat what I want, etc this weekend.  Then Tuesday, it's back to the real world and back to be a better healthier me.  If anything, this has taught me a better way of treating my body.  I don't think I will drink much after this weekend, a glass or wine or beer at dinner will probably be all during the week.  Also, I have learned to eat when I am hungry, breakfast especially (and not waiting until 2 or 3 to eat).  I think I will limit my caffeine, no more diet soda and other apertame/synthetic sugar type things.  I know I do want to get pregnant again, and I feel that if I am as healthy as I can be before I get pregnant, that will be the best thing to do.  Of course it could also be me blaming myself a bit, but that it normal.
I think that he said it very well yesterday as we were sitting at the bar, "I guess we just weren't completely ready yet.  We were mostly, but not all the way there yet".  

Day 4

So far today I haven't broken down in tears.  I am still sad, but I am better able to focus today I feel, although it could just be that all the nasty anesthesia is finally out of my body.  I also have something to focus on today.  We decided to go away for the weekend.  We were supposed to go back to the Midwest to visit family and attend a wedding, but I am not ready for that.  Physically I feel better. I am still getting some occasional stabbing pains, and my shoulders and mouth are still sore from being moved around and having a breathing tube in; but I just am not ready emotionally.  I think if I saw my family I would lose it, and if I saw his family I would not be able to act happy and like nothing is wrong.  I am also not ready to be around pregnant women or couples with their new babies.  I feel horrible feeling this way, but it is how I feel and I have to allow myself to mourn and feel sad, angry, depressed, confused...

I have stopped reading online things about miscarriages, D&C's, and how to deal with them.  While they are there to help, I don't think they are doing me any good.  I am going to let my body, heart, and brain naturally do what needs to be done.  I have stopped trying to identify which stages of grieving I am in.  There are times I have gone through all of them and then some, over the course of an hour....every hour.

I do need to stop opening mail for a while.  Two days ago, when I came home from surgery, I got all my maternity info in the mail from my insurance company.  Yesterday I received $800 worth of bills from my first prenatal tests and my Rhogham shot and blood work.  I know the day will come soon when I get a bill from my first trimester screening appointment, a day that I will never ever forget.  I am not ready to deal with that bill or even the envelope with the facility name on it.

I always knew that miscarriages happen.  I know friends and family that have had to deal with them (sometimes on multiple occasions).  I just never thought that I would have to deal with one.  Especially when everything in my life seemed to be going so well, full speed ahead.  It's not fair.  It sucks.  It is horrible.

Day 3

Day 3, or actually day a couple weeks plus 3.

I woke up at 5:13 am to go to the bathroom.  At first it seemed normal, because for the past couple months I have been waking up at least twice a night.  Then I realized I am not going to the bathroom because my uterus is pushing on my bladder.  I also realized that usually I woke up around 5:45am, and it was a half hour earlier than what had become "normal".  Maybe my bladder is even moving on.  Then the waves of sorrow hit me again and I start to cry.

This morning I was brought back to a scene in one of  my favorite movies, Singles.  In it Kyra Sedgewick's character is in an car accident in which she loses her baby.  After she is home from the hospital her boyfriend (played by Campbell Scott) comes over to see how she is doing.  I can vividly remember her saying to him, "It's like I have a new emotion every 5 minutes".  I now feel exactly that same way.  She then got on a boat and headed off to work in Alaska for a few months.  I want to be on that boat.

I know that feelings like these will come and go, and come and go, and come and go, and...